I swear the next post will have nothing to do with adult content

Instead of getting photos off my phone so I could make the real entry (as mentioned here), let's just say that I was BROWSING MATERIAL THAT I CAN NOW LEGALLY BROWSE.

This page has made me curious. (Nothing TOTALLY NSFW - just a bunch of characters wondering whether having a big nose means you have a big penis. That's kinda interesting if it's true.)

I want opinions! Or if you'd rather not share your opinion, that is totally cool and I will go and hire some male prostitutes with big noses.

For reference, the name of this particular one is Rugby Dormitory 204 which is totally not gay at all.

And to make it so that this isn't a completely awkward and gay post, Metal Gear? On the iPhone? And Silent Hill and Dance Dance Revolution? I don't give a damn about MGS4 getting ported to the 360, rumour or not, so why do I give a damn about these Konami games getting on the iPhone? Especially since it is more likely than not that they will suck.

A VERY FUCKING BORING ENTRY (but I've got to post sometime, right?)

So apparently I now have a job. And by job I mean I'm doing work experience at this IT company called Datacom. After a day of working there, I still have no clue what they do. Maybe because I spent 5 of my 8 hours there today staring into space because I didn't have any login details, but the people seem nice. Apparently I'm doing service desk help or something that requires equally large amounts of talking into headsets to people, which worries me slightly. And it is really not like the IT Crowd at all, maybe.

I also still have no clue where the hell the office is, but I somehow managed to walk to the city with tremendous amounts of luck and the map the nice receptionist gave me, otherwise who knows how many times I would have been raped by now. It's in West End or something, so come and visit me. Or you could just call me and ask me ridiculous questions about your computer.

Nintendo also relaunched their new official magazine today (which I haven't read properly yet). I am a sucker for free stuff and bought it mostly for the calendar, because $9 for a calendar, albeit a Nintendo calendar, is very fucking cheap. What I expected: Twelve months of Mario. What I got: HOLY FUCK IS THAT MADWORLD, WIND WAKER, NO MORE HEROES, PIKMIN AND CHRONO TRIGGER ALL IN ONE CALENDAR? FUCK YES YOU ARE THE BEST CALENDAR EVER

Expect some game reviews soon. I promise the next entry will be more amusing and image-based. It is about what I saw when I went to Target last week. You will be upset, if you give a shit about the fandom at all.

Oh, goody!

Here is my NaNoWriMo entry.

It is called Whatever Happened to Kevin Kane?. Here is the synopsis, if you are debating reading it (which you should). The synopsis is not very good, but at the time of writing it (read: 9AM) I was very tired and pulled it out of my ass. Cut me some slack.

Remember that one guy at your school who was really smart but then everyone forgot about (well, except for you, if you were friends with him)?

This is his story.

I hope you enjoy this tale of mystery and intrigue.

Tiny update.

Dudes and ladies who came to my party - thanks. It was a grand time. Your presents have been put to good use, I promise!

Other news: Flower, Sun and Rain (E) was finally released on ROM sites. Character models look awful. Gameplay will not be everyone's cup of tea, no sir. But this game's wonderful and I'm glad I held out for the English version. There's just fucktons of reading. A full review coming soon, maybe.

NaNoWriMo

It's November! National Novel Writing Month, fuck yeah.

I failed hard last year because my computer died and I didn't make up-to-date backups of my story. I don't think you're allowed to reuse ideas, so I've got a new one up my sleeve.

Wish me luck.

Mother 3 Translation Patch out!

What everyone's been waiting for.

(Maybe not... but I have! I'm ecstatic.)

Oh lord, another kid's meal toy review

About a year ago, I bought a kid's meal at Red Rooster, purely because they had Transformers toys in them. Long story short, it was incredibly disappointing. It was basically Bumblebee (in his new and shiny Camaro form) which opened up to reveal... Bumblebee sitting inside.

Fast forward a year later and Transformers Animated is all the rage, despite the fact that we got the series about eight months late. So of course: HEY, LET'S PUT SOME TOYS OUT! Of course, after deeply regretting not getting a Clone Wars toy (despite my scathing opinion of it), I bought one. The lineup was different from the American one (ours includes Optimus, Bumblebee, Megatron and Ratchet), which kind of sucks. Decepticon faggotry for kids? Hell no.

Anyway, I nabbed Ratchet, the new Ironhide. His vehicle mode looked decent, although he didn't have that pull-back function that for some reason, most cheap toy cars have. Yes, I was pretty pleased with Ratchet!

Until I transformed him. FRET NOT! He does actually transform, unlike that goshdarn excuse for a Camaro. But the results are less than spectacular:

Unless you mean, y'know, spectacularly bad.

Those arms are not very efficient. Ratchet, need a hand? I guess you could just fix yourself up, but jeez. Seriously. And those... those aren't even legs! Enjoy hopping away.

Long story short: TRY HARDER, MCDONALDS. Especially with legs. (Shut up, I know these are terrible, cheap toys. Let me have my fun.)

BONUS FUN PART

Oh goodie, it's my birthday! Here is a toy to grace my collection: TFA Blitzwing. I love this dude so much. The toy is pretty much a perfect representation of my three moods too: Icy, RAGE and BATSHIT INSANE. I am going to put him on my desk and switch his face around according to my mood.

Now I'm just holding out for Longarm Prime, Wreck-Gar, Galvatron and Cyclonus. Possibly TFA Prowl since I love that crazy gay Autobot ninja. It's going to be an overwhelming Decepticon victory on my shelf, the way things are going.

AND ALSO, The Witcher Enhanced Edition, fuck yes. I've been waiting over a year for this version to come out (FEATURING SHORTER LOAD TIMES, RETRANSLATED DIALOGUE AND A FUCKTON OF ROLE-PLAYIN'). I was pleasantly surprised when I saw it in the shop. It's like, it comes with all the shit (Making-of DVD, soundtrack, game guide, game manual, original story) that usually comes in a collector's edition? FOR SEVENTY BUCKS? Sign me up, Captain! And also a map.

Screw witty pop-culture posters, I'm putting maps of videogame worlds on my wall.

OH MY FUCKING GOD

My next update was going to be a, you know, real one. BUT HOLY FUCKING SHIT.

If this is real, I will... oh my god. Yes. YES! OH GOD YES!

The poor blog is lonely.

Here's an update.

Review: Zombie vs. Ambulance

Zombie vs. Ambulance: The only chilling thing about this game is possibly the loading screen.

Title: Zombie vs. Ambulance (aka: Zombie Virus)
Developer: Vingt-et-un Systems
Publisher: D3 Publisher (JP), Essential Games (EU)
Year: 2006 (JP/EU)

Oh, Japan. You’re the zaniest country a lover of the bizarre like me could ever hope for. Sometimes I love you. Sometimes I just want to strangle you. Sometimes I want to have sex with you WHILE strangling you. This is exactly how I feel in the case with Zombie vs. Ambulance.

In Zombie vs. Ambulance (or Zombie Virus, if, like me, you got the PAL version), you’re a medical student who has survived a zombie apocalypse. Somehow. Realising that there could be survivors out there, you hop into an ambulance and rescue them. While running zombies over in large groups. With a female cheerleader voice urging you on. It’s one of those games that make you either go ‘That is the stupidest fucking thing I have ever heard of’ or ‘My god, that is pure genius’.

I’m not going to say what my opinion is because quite frankly, I don’t know. Ok, you know what? I’m going to give this two scores. One of these scores starts with a ‘T’ and ends in a ‘En out of ten because this is a fucking cool concept’ and the other starts with a ‘T’ and ends in a ‘Wo out of ten because GODDAMN EVERYTHING ELSE IS SO TERRIBLE’.

So, let’s get on with the review. As I have made clear, you drive an ambulance around in order to:
A) Run zombies over; and
B) Rescue people.

This is where it starts getting complex. All at the same time there are like several things you need to keep an eye on.

One is the ‘Morale Gauge’ – an indication of how your survivors are doing back at the hospital. This slowly drops over time. When I say slowly, I actually mean RIDICULOUSLY QUICKLY. Well, I’m sitting here now thinking that maybe, ok, in an actual zombie apocalypse type of situation, people would lose out pretty fast, go insane and all that jazz. So what, this game’s being realistic about a zombie apocalypse situation? I guess now’s a good time to insert a disclaimer.

DISCLAIMER: I’m not saying that a zombie apocalypse MOST DEFINITELY IS NOT POSSIBLE. I’m just saying that chances are slim.

Did I mention that when the Morale Gauge runs out, it’s game over? Yeah, you’ll be seeing a lot of those in this game. The thing I don’t actually get about the Morale Gauge is that it’s present in the very first mission, when you haven’t actually rescued any survivors. Well, ok, there’s your sexy friend and a couple of other sexy women, but they don’t do shit – they just stand there and look sexy. And report your statistics to you. And save your game.

There’s the ‘Survivor Icon’, which are little outlines of people on the lower left-hand corner of the screen. Of course, the number of survivors you have with you is relative to how many of these icons you have. These slowly fill up over time because guess what? They gradually turn into zombies! In your ambulance. When this happens, the only way to get rid of them now is to crash into a wall at fucking high speeds, otherwise they damage… you? Your ambulance? Anyway, let them stick around for too long and you die. Game over.

The only way to prevent survivors from turning into zombies is by getting them back to the hospital, pronto. (Oddly enough, even though all your survivors back at the hospital are fighting off the zombie hordes, there’s always someone on hand to make these people all better. I learnt in movies that you can never undo zombification! Well, maybe those sexy friends of yours has something to do with it.)

Match all this up with the fact that the controls, well, suck, and holy shit is this game frustrating. Not difficult, mind you – I’m sure if I invest more than half an hour I’d be able to get a fair way into the game – just very, very frustrating. Shaking zombies off (the zombies who are already roaming around and attack you so fucking aggressively when you slow down for like one second) by twiddling the left and right analogue sticks is just plain awkward, especially while racing around corners at high speeds without crashing while looking at the map, trying to get back to the hospital, all while trying to run over as many zombies as possible so that you can keep your kill combo up, so that you can keep hospital morale up, so that you don’t get a game over, but HAVING to crash into walls at high speeds in order to get your zombified survivors out of the ambulance so that they don’t damage your vehicle so you don’t get a game over.

You see how long that sentence was? Trying to process my run-on sentence is exactly what the gameplay in Zombie vs. Ambulance is like.

So despite everything bad I’ve said about this game, there are probably some people shouting ‘But it’s a game about running zombies over! In an ambulance! How else should I spend my hard-earned thirty bucks?’ Congratulations, feel free to run out and buy it. Don’t say I didn’t tell you it had fucking terrible gameplay.

Honestly though, much like seeing The Clone Wars in the cinema for $5, I’m happy I have this game on my shelf. It’s one of those games that’s so bad, it’s good and has the coolest (yet the worst) concept ever. So to repeat what I said earlier:

[10/10] – OH MY GOD I’M RUNNING OVER FUCKING ZOMBIES.
[2/10] – It’s like I suddenly can’t drive all over again.