No problems with objectifying women here: Part 2

Title: Bayonetta
Developer: Platinum Games (360), Sega (PS3)
Publisher: Sega
Year: 2009 (JP), 2010 (NA/PAL)

360.

Once upon a time, there was a Capcom employee named Hideki Kamiya. This man was the director of the original Devil May Cry, which then spawned a series of games featuring half-human/half-demon men with silver hair, pretty faces and the ability to do ridiculous acrobatic stunts.

Fast forward eight years later and Kamiya, now teamed with Platinum Games, has unleashed his latest creation upon the world: Bayonetta. But this time, instead of featuring half-human/half-demon men with silver hair, pretty faces and the ability to do ridiculous acrobatic stunts, we get a hot witch in killer heels (with the ability to turn her hair into any tangible form). Oh, and of course she can pull off ridiculous acrobatic stunts too. But how does Bayonetta stack up against DMC and action games in general?

Short answer: very well. In fact, I'd say it leaps high over DMC's head and sets a new standard for action games to surpass. Long answer? Well...

In terms of storyline, Bayonetta isn't mind-blowingly original, but it's not completely cliche either. You play as Bayonetta, the last surviving member of the Umbra witch clan. Having been freed from an underwater coffin with no memory, she heads off on a tip from an informant to find a jewel in a set known as 'The Eyes of The World'. However, angelic forces are out to stop her, so it's up to her to give them hell while looking totally sexy in a suit made of her hair.

Yes, the suit comes off in certain situations. It's quite tastefully done, though.

You can tell that while Bayonetta was made to appeal to horny adolescents, it's also a game created for hardcore gamers. There are plenty of nods to Clover games, which weren't exactly targeted towards the mainstream market. Furthermore, the game is reasonably challenging, but also quite balanced in terms of difficulty.

Bayonetta implements the same type of gameplay DMC employed, that is, fighting through waves of enemies while progressing through a linear stage, solving the occasional puzzle and fighting the occasional boss. Also as in DMC, Bayonetta uses a combo system, but does not make your success as plainly obvious as the aforementioned game did (DMC used a D to SSS ranking system). The result is that Bayonetta takes the pressure off your shoulders, allowing you to focus on developing your own style of play. There's a crazy amount of weapons and techniques which all add up to an unbelievable number of combos.

A good control scheme, of course, is perhaps the most important aspect of any game in the action genre. DMC has been praised for this and of course, so has Bayonetta. As Bayonetta's emphasis is on spectacular attacks and combo chains, the controls need to be fluid, responsive, and translate perfectly into Bayonetta's graceful moves on-screen. This has been achieved and has exceeded my expectations of how I thought the game would play. It's crazy. It's fast. Which is why dodging (by quickly pressing RT) is so easy to do in this game. What's more, Bayonetta rewards you for dodging the exact moment before an attack hits you by activating Witch Time, a technique which slows time for a few seconds, allowing you to take advantage of the situation.

The only real problem that I really had while playing was the fact that the camera couldn't exactly keep up with the action at certain points, meaning that I couldn't see where Bayonetta was on the screen. This is fairly minor, however, as for the most part (99% of the time) I found the camera to be positioned in a convenient manner.

The camera does not shy away from showing you how beautiful the game is, and I'm not just talking about Bayonetta herself. The graphics for the stages are absolutely beautiful, being top-notch for a current-gen game. As I write this, a particular stage comes to mind: you are in another dimension, standing in a crumbling hall of some sort. As you exit, you realise that the tiny island you are on is rotating in an impossible direction, and you have to make the leap to another island nearby. You do so by jumping on these glowing, translucent platforms hovering in space, and you're surrounded by stars. It's almost as though you could touch them. It's awe-inspiring.

The other thing that I find amazing is how much thought has been put into character designs. Your enemies are angelic yet deadly, and their models reflect their motives and methods of attack accordingly. Bayonetta herself may have odd proportions while one is looking at a flat, 2D image of her, but translated in-game, when she's kicking her legs into the air or winking coquettishly at the camera.

The music is marvelous as well, with the soundtrack containing not only baroque-esque hymns and upbeat lounge jazz, but also a few retro Sega game remixes. The voice acting is top-notch, with Bayonetta's seductive British accent oozing delightfully through your speakers.

Bayonetta is a game that is perfect as a whole. Based on what I've written alone, I don't think there is any way I can express the experience of playing the game, when you are directly involved in controlling the character. There's something indescribably beautiful about Bayonetta, not necessarily something to do with the graphics or the fluid animations or even the emotion captured in the story, but about the whole thing; something very few game developers manage to hit on the head. It's almost as though you feel connected to the world, everything contained within that game disc, and as soon as you let go of the controller, everything pales in comparison.

This is the reason why I believe that Bayonetta will be known for a long time as one of the defining games of the genre. Its qualities and gameplay value means that it is certainly one of the games of the year.

And given that it is only the beginning of 2010, this shows how excellent it truly is.

No problems with objectifying women here: Part 1

Title: OneChanbara Revolution (JP), OneChanbara: Bikini Zombie Slayers (NA, PAL)
Developer: Tamsoft
Publisher: D3
Year: 2008 (JP), 2009 (NA/PAL)

OneChanbara is a series of games that were originally developed for the PS2 under the Simple 2000 line. Since then, it has spawned two movies, a lot of collectable figures and a number of sequels on various platforms.

Of course, swinging your sword via the Wiimote makes perfect sense. Hey, it worked for several other games, right? Hence Tamsoft's OneChanbara R. Whether or not the name is a throwback to the original name for the Wii remains to be seen.

OneChanbara is one of those series where you never march in expecting a AAA game and of course, R is no exception. The games' main selling point seems to be the fact that everyone is a hot chick. Indeed, the subtitle for the PAL version of R is Bikini Zombie Slayers. Telling.

But is it at least a good bad game? Maybe I'm not at liberty to say, seeing as I appreciate games such as Zombie vs. Ambulance, but I don't believe it's as bad as everybody says.

The game is chock-full of gameplay modes, including the mandatory Story mode, Survival mode and even a Practice mode. You start off with only one character to play as - Aya, the game's main protagonist. Completing the game with her unlocks another character and so on. There are a total of four unlockable characters, as well as numerous outfits for each of them.

Each character's Story mode is quite short, being eight stages in length. The game's narrative is presented in the form of a pre-stage cinematic of scrolling text and the character's voiceover, with the occasional, badly voice-acted cutscene thrown in.

The gameplay takes the form of a crowd-combat game, and I have to say that I found it deeply satisfying to slice my way through waves of zombies. It's mindless, but fun. One of the cool things about the OneChanbara titles is that as you kill enemies, you get covered in their blood. Getting drenched in enough blood means that your character will eventually go into a 'Berserk' mode, which causes your attacks to be more powerful but steadily drains your health. Once this mode has been activated, the only way to revert your character back to normal is to either use an item or to find a statue which removes the blood. Moreover, killing enemies means that your sword becomes bloodier. After a certain amount of hacking and slashing (as indicated by a meter on the side of the screen), your sword will become stuck inside enemies, leaving your vulnerable to attack as you struggle to remove it.

For a budget game and more importantly, for a Wii game that uses the 'waggle technique', the controls work fine. Depending on how many times you flail the Wiimote about, you can create different combos and switch weapon modes with the press of the C button. With Aya, this means that you can use dual swords. The only thing that really frustrated me about the gameplay is the fact that the lock-on mode does not target the nearest enemy, which can lead to problems when you are surrounded by dozens of zombies.

Another thing: unless you have amazing patience, don't try and play the game in one sitting. You will be bored out of your mind if you do. In saying this I'm making a point about the stage layouts, which is literally exactly the same (as are enemy encounters) for each character but just presented in a different order each time. Most of the time the game doesn't even explain what you're doing in a hospital or a forest or wherever you happen to be, which makes you think that maybe Tamsoft just got lazy and picked locations out of a hat.

That being said, the locations don't look bad, given the fact that it is a budget title and that the Wii has limited graphical capabilities. The character models look nice enough, as do the gore effects. It is also worth mentioning that even though R is a crowd-combat game, I do not recall having experienced any lag whatsoever, which impresses me greatly.

OneChanbara Revolution is a rather self-explanatory game. Hot girls kill zombies and get covered in blood. It doesn't require any thought whatsoever. The only thing you need, should you decide to play it, is to abandon any high expectations. If you do so, you should be in for an enjoyable, campy experience, despite its minor flaws.

PROFESSOR, I'VE SOLVED IT 2 - A Review

Title: Professor Layton and The Diabolical Box
Developer: Level-5
Publisher: Level-5 (JP), Nintendo (NA/PAL)
Year: 2007 (JP), 2009 (NA/PAL)

Two years year ago, Professor Layton and The Curious Village was released in Japan to the delight of puzzle-lovers everywhere. A year later it was released in English, allowing a good number more of the gaming population to try their hand at it. Of course, the game's 'TO BE CONTINUED' screen at the end left many eagerly awaiting the sequel, so fast forward a year and a half later...

My excitement for Professor Layton and The Diabolical Box was only heightened by the fact that it feels like we're in the middle of a game drought, combined with the fact that I had been looking forward to playing more games about charming English gentlemen.

And I couldn't wait for more mind-breaking puzzles, of course.

You see, the Professor Layton series is based off the Metal Gymnastics series of puzzle books by Akira Tago, which are reportedly very popular in Japan. Many of the puzzles from the books have been directly transposed into a more interactive form for the DS and as a result, the game is chock-full of logic and lateral thinking puzzles, designed to really make you think.

A puzzle's difficulty is measured in 'picarats', which acts as the player's score throughout the game. The more difficult a puzzle is, the more picarats it is worth. If a puzzle is too difficult, the player has the opportunity to unlock a hint using a hint coin, which are limited in number and found scattered throughout the game world.

Additionally, some of these puzzles are directly related to the plot and require you to solve them in order to progress through the storyline, but a large portion of them are optional. Solving some of these optional puzzles give you items such as camera pieces, a hamster toy, a diary key or a tea ingredient, which are used for the mini-games. Completing these minigames means that the player can unlock bonus puzzles.

I suppose puzzles like the ones presented in The Diabolical Box are either a love-hate affair, but in my case, I thoroughly enjoyed having to think each puzzle through carefully. It's a refreshing change from games in which shooting everything that moves is key. The hints make perfect sense, and the game has the decency to explain the solution to you in greater detail when a puzzle is completed. This is especially useful if you've managed to solve a puzzle by luck.

I only have a slight problem with The Diabolical Box, and that is the slight imbalance in puzzle difficulty. There are quite a few puzzles that seem easier than the number of picarats they are worth and conversely, some supposedly easy puzzles that are challenging. But that could just be me.

As in The Curious Village, Layton is back in The Diabolical Box to solve another mystery, this time concerning a strange artifact called the Elysian Box. After receiving a letter from Layton's mentor telling him he has acquired the Box, Layton and Luke set out to meet him, only to find him dead and the Box missing. The two of them decide to find the Elysian Box as well as solve the mysteries surrounding it.

As you would expect from any good adventure games, there are several plot twists, many of which I didn't see coming at all. The characters are charming and are each distinctive in their own right with their own catchphrases and mannerisms. Professor Layton himself is especially notable, managing to be no less than a total badass who just happens to be polite and likes drinking tea.

Professor Layton and The Diabolical Box is a very special game, one that is sure to appeal to a large audience. With its numerous puzzles, loveable cast and exciting storyline, anyone who is enthusiastic about games that require a bit more brainpower is sure to love it.

Review: Lux-Pain

You can't spell Lux-Pain without 'Pain'.

Title: Lux-Pain
Developer: Killaware
Publisher: Marvelous Entertainment (JP), Ignition Entertainment (NA), Rising Star Games (PAL)
Year: 2008 (JP), 2009 (NA/PAL)

Visual novels are proving to be a popular sub-genre of adventure game, and given the nature of the DS, several of them have either made their first appearance to the world or are ports of previous games.

One of these games is Lux-Pain, the story being about a teenager named Atsuki Saijo who is an undercover agent for FORT, a government organisation that works towards eliminating the threat known as 'Silent'. 'Silent', a worm born through hate and sadness, has infected Kisaragi City, where Atsuki is sent to find the root cause and to eliminate it.

To do so, you must use the Lux-Pain, a kind of psychic-scraping device, to read people's minds and thoughts and to eliminate worms that are the result of any negative emotions NPCs might have. However, there is a time limit as well as a sort of health bar for the minds of whoever you decide to scrape - if either of these empty, you ruin the person's mind, and it's game over for you.

It's simple gameplay, but the process of 'Go to area - Find person - Read mind - Erase thoughts - Repeat' gets dull very quickly. It certainly does not help that Lux-Pain has a godawful localisation which can often leave you scratching your head and wonder what the hell is going on.

It's this localisation that hinders the game's messages, such as those of suicide, animal cruelty and dealing with loneliness. Add to the fact that a vast majority of the characters are mind-numbingly boring and/or horribly annoying and you'll find yourself not really caring and wanting to breeze through the game as quickly as possible.

Admittedly there is a lot of cool attention to detail, such as being able to have your fortune told by a whacky Chinese lady or checking a message board that updates according to what you have learned from your conversations with your peers. But again, with every message being chock-full of grammatical errors, it's often hard to decipher what's really going on.

The problem with this game is that in the genre of visual novels, a strong storyline and a cast of characters the player must be able to sympathise with, relate to, or just generally like, is very important. Perhaps Lux-Pain would have been so much more different and enjoyable if a better job had been done with the localisation, but we have to make do with what we're given.

Review: Baten Kaitos: Eternal Wings and the Lost Ocean‏

Title: Baten Kaitos: Eternal Wings and the Lost Ocean
Developer: tri-Crescendo, Monolith Soft
Publisher: Namco
Year: 2003 (JP), 2004 (NA), 2005 (PAL)

My brother bought a copy of Eternal Sonata the other week, so taking advantage of the 'multiplayer' mode, I played it with him. Despite being about Chopin and girls in frilly dresses who are dying and can use magic, I noted that certain aspects of it were similar to another game I had played ages past: Baten Kaitos. So of course, with the memories of the game in my mind, I tracked down a copy and bought it.

There's nothing really special about the story, and indeed, it's typical Japanese RPG fare. Perhaps the point that stands out the most is that you don't play as the main character per se. Instead, you play as a Guardian Spirit assigned to the main character, Kalas, at the beginning of the game. Oh, and you're a Guardian Spirit with amnesia.

So Kalas is on a typical quest for revenge of the deaths of his grandfather and brother when he rescues a girl named Xelha from death by giant monster. As it turns out, Xelha is on a quest to warn the world of an evil scheme to resurrect the evil god who was thought to have made the ocean disappear and they begin tagging along together, meeting interesting folk and whatnot. Did I mention Baten Kaitos takes place in the sky? Personally, I'm a sucker for games/movies/etc. that take place in the sky, so I forgave the plot because of this.

The thing I like the most about Baten Kaitos (and indeed, I think this was the main selling point) is that its combat system features a unique turn-based card battle system. Unlike a fair few Japanese RPGs which involve hammering the confirm button over and over again, the player's success in Baten Kaitos relies heavily on quick thinking, card management and a good amount of luck.

The cards, known as Magnus in the game, come in several different flavours, such as offensive, defensive, equip and quest. The tricky part of this system is that some Magnus will evolve over time. This can either be advantageous or disastrous. For example, while a common item such as a 'Cedar Tree' may be useless for a fair bit, but will eventually turn into 'Cedar Tree Sap', which can heal up to 380HP. On the other hand, several healing items will rot.

Of course, there are several opportunities to gain new Magnus. This applies to all types of Magnus across the board, as having more powerful attacks does not only mean leveling your character. To ensure your success in battle as the game progresses, you must obtain Magnus that have higher offense and defense ratings and can heal more HP.

Moreover, leveling up does not happen automatically. To gain levels, you must access the Church via the blue flowers scattered throughout the game world (which also act as save points). The Church not only allows you to level your character but also allows you to increase your class, should you have the special Magnus required to do so. A character's class is important as it determines how many cards appear in his/her hand at once and how many cards he/she can play in any one round.

Another high point of the game is its stunning graphics. Baten Kaitos was released in 2003 yet playing it now, I'm still awestruck at the quality. Everything looks fresh and clean, with just the right amount of visual effects to wow you, but not causing you to shut your eyes in fears of being blinded. The character portraits are well-drawn and the colour schemes for the various locations in the game are chosen with utmost care to convey the appropriate atmosphere to the player.

The musical score does an equally impressive job of feeding emotion into the game's world. Composed by Motoi Sakuraba (a JRPG soundtrack veteran, considering he also composed the music for Star Ocean, Valkyrie Profile and Eternal Sonata), the tunes are memorable and are likely to stay with you long after your game session has ended. In fact, one of the main reasons I began wanting to play Baten Kaitos again was because the battle theme in Eternal Sonata sounded so similar.

However, I can't say such positive things about the voice acting. It is worth noting that Baten Kaitos contains a rather good plot twist in the middle of the game but unfortunately, this scene is ruined by the worst voice acting I have ever heard. The voice acting in the rest of the game is not as bad, ranging from amusingly corny to slightly cringe-worthy. As a result, it's somewhat embarrassing to play if there are other people in your immediate vicinity.

Despite the laughable voice acting and the somewhat atypical Japanese RPG storyline, there is a lot to love about Baten Kaitos. It must be commended for having unique gameplay, gorgeous graphics and a wonderful score. And while it is not a game that will appeal to the masses, I have no doubt that it will always be remembered by those who played it as one of the most memorable games they have ever experienced.

[8/10]

More Linkin Park than you can shake a servo at

Made a trip to the cinema with Chip today to see Transformers: Revenge of The Fallen. Somewhere in the process I accidentally spoiled it for at least half the people sitting in the cinema. I blurted out a spoiler that I didn't know was a spoiler. Which doesn't make sense. But to anyone who knows anything about Transformers, it's a pretty fucking obvious plot twist.

A few of the news publications here have given it 2.5 stars out of 5 (which is a star for every hour!). This score is more or less correct, but you don't watch a movie like ROTF for quality cinema. You go to see robots bashing the fuck out of each other, which is something you get a fair bit of.

The problem is that it is still quite dull; the battles lack the real 'HOLY SHIT OH MY GOD WOW' factor which is what it rests on. And of course, Bidoof and Fox are back with the teenage love story thing thrown into the mix. And I'm still a dick about that, you know? We don't need no humans in our movies about giant robots!

For some reason, there was a LOT of Linkin Park in this movie. Loads. Everytime you hear music that isn't orchestral, that's Linkin Park. However, ROTF also had some of the themes from the first movie, which made me incredibly glad because I fucking loved the score. I also have to admit that there was a point in the film where 'The Touch' by Stan Bush looped in my head, which made it a very snicker-worthy moment.

The new Decepticons and Autobots look all very pretty and shiny, but ROTF made me feel as though they had no purpose. I was looking forward to an epic, huge Devastator battle.

The only characters that were really built upon were Megatron and Starscream. Which makes me wonder why they decided to change Starscream's voice for ROTF - I was actually perfectly happy with it in the first movie and read the sequel comics in his voice. I feel as though the more traditional Starscream voice does not suit him, especially given his stature and appearance. (Incidentally, the scene in which Megatron and Starscream meet again totally reminds me of Power Rangers: The Movie.)

Speaking of pointless, there's also a branch in the movie that is completely pointless and quite frankly, I think it was tacked in there to appeal to the teenage masses. I found the humour to be much too juvenile and tasteless for my liking, but I suppose that's how you target an audience.

What did this movie do for me? It made me respect Bumblebee. It also made me root for the Autobots. Also, ROTF contains the coolest incarnation of Jetfire ever. And All Hail Optimus.

OVERALL: Six out of ten broken Bidoof bones

EDIT: After watching it a second time, I've finally pinpointed the thing that really irked me about ROTF. The events from Reign of Starscream after never actually referenced or mentioned, other than perhaps the alien tattoos Starscream sports. It's like the Decepticons suddenly forgot that Starscream wasn't their leader anymore and just dropped what they were doing before going back to serve Megatron. What the fuck. I feel raped and cheated.

An Asian movie we don't get a year after everyone else?!

Saw Shinjuku Incident with J today. It was kind of odd, seeing a movie starring Jackie Chan that was:
A) A serious drama; and
B) Not full of martial arts.

Whenever there was a fight scene, I expected Jackie Chan to grab a pole out of nowhere and kick eight guys in the face. Nothing of the sort, just gritty street fighting. It was a good film; it shows that Jackie Chan could be more than a funny man and it realistically portrays the inner workings of the Yakuza as well as the position of illegal immigrants who make their way to Japan in hopes of a better life.

Pretty marvelous stuff. [9/10]

Review: Nanashi no Game

NOTE: As it turns out, I wrote this review months ago and completely forgot about it until now.

Nanashi no Game: Let’s see how many times I use the word ‘game’ in a single sentence.

Title: Nanashi no Game (aka: Nameless Game)
Developer: Square Enix
Publisher: Square Enix
Year: 2008 (JP)

When I first heard of Nanashi no Game, my initial reaction was ‘Oh my god. Square Enix? Not doing a RPG?!’ Well this is true for the most part. Nanashi no Game is basically two games in one – part old-school, Dragon Quest-style RPG and part first-person adventure. ‘What gives?’ You may wonder, but it makes sense if you look at the storyline.

Now, I don’t know Japanese, but from what I can gather (along with various previews and translation efforts), they game’s about a cursed RPG that is making rounds and killing people who play it after seven days. If this sounds like a certain J-Horror film, you are totally correct! The whole point of Nanashi no Game is to find out the source of the curse and therefore, break it. Before you dismiss it as being a cheap knockoff though, I’d like to say that Nanashi no Game actually pulls it off quite well in that:

1. You never see your character, adding a whole personal level to it; and

2. You do get to play the cursed game – even having to navigate through a DS menu to get into it. [I’ve read from various sources that some creepy, fourth wall-breaking messages pop up (ala Eternal Darkness) so here’s hoping for an English release so we can all actually understand them.

Being a horror game, Nanashi no Game contains its fair share of jump scares, but is also notable for being one that doesn’t rely on them entirely. Every area you visit in the game oozes creepy, and it certainly doesn’t help that they are all completely empty. Maybe they mention why all the buildings are empty somewhere in the game, I don’t know.

There are a considerable amount of ‘Oh, fuck’ moments, especially when you swing round into a corridor and suddenly see a sickly-blue ghost just standing there, like it’s daring you to come closer. The ‘oh, fuck’ turns into ‘FUCK’, especially if you’re trapped in a tiny area (which WILL happen) and the ghost is actively chasing you (the control scheme doesn’t help this either, but more on that later).

Your little forays into the cursed RPG occur at the important points of your adventure. For example, at one point in the game, the main character throws a fit and smashes his DS, along with the cursed game – only to find another DS nearby! (I don’t think I’m spoiling anything by telling you about this because as we all know, you can’t outrun a curse that easily!) The DS makes a little tone when the cursed game is available for play, prompting you to hit ‘SELECT’ and go, go, go.

There’s no dragon-battling in the cursed game, though. It’s more of a story-driven thing in which you basically wander around talking to people until something significant happens. The cursed game, while probably a lot creepier if you know Japanese, is still pretty unsettling to play. It comes complete with haunting melody which distorts at various points. Couple this with graphics that go all glitch whenever you take a step and it makes you wonder if YOU’RE going to die in seven days.

Playing Nanashi no Game requires you to hold your DS like a ‘book’ as is the case with games like Hotel Dusk and Brain Training. Moving is purely touchscreen-based, with the option of using the directional pad in order to make your character move faster. It was certainly kind of them to give you this option because your character is really quite fucking slow. Does he have a broken leg or something? Maybe a sprained ankle? Even with this ‘speed boost’, he’s still terrible. It’s hard to manoeuvre, particularly if you’ve got to do a 180 degree turn. As I mentioned previously, this WILL happen, ESPECIALLY when you’re in a tiny corner.

Nanashi no Game is worth having a shot at if you enjoy survival horror and/or games like Hotel Dusk. Despite its flaws, it’s like The Ring of horror games (disregarding the godawful Dreamcast game) in a literal sense, only not a classic. Perhaps if it was ever translated and released in North America and/or Europe, it will receive, at the very least, the attention it deserves.

[6/10] – Interesting, but not interesting enough. When you get a wishbone, wish for a translation.

Incoming customer complaints, oh baby!

Noby Noby Boy, that one game that no-one had any clue about for like, forever, finally finished downloading this morning. I rather liked what I played of it (half an hour, before I had to go for my Chinese tuition). And after playing it, I'm left with... still left with the little I knew about it before it was released. The press release said things like, "we don't offer refunds for this game", "we will not listen to customer complaints", "we cannot tell you about the nature of the game" and "depending on your mood, you may become addicted". Ominous.

You play as BOY, who kind of looks like the mascot from Taiko no Tatsujin, except he doesn't look too happy. But BOY looks content enough to be stretched to potentially endless lengths by the player, which is done with the left and right analog sticks. There's no real set goal, but by stretching BOY, the omnipresent entity, GIRL, grows. GIRL grows with every player's (everyone in the world playing the game, that is) effort. It's multiplayer, but it's not. According to the in-game manual, the larger GIRL gets, the more planets she can visit, and the more reunited the universe becomes. It's lovely and happy and fluffy. It's Noby Noby Boy.

It's got the same style as Katamari in terms of graphics and, well, identity as a whole. Like, you know, the 'very charming, very quirky, very odd' identity. At the beginning of the game, it told me to guess the controls in the form of a quiz. And then I got a Trophy for it! Hooray. And like Katamari, it's some kind of breeding ground for sadists. Getting rolled up by a Katamari would probably be the worst death ever. You'd be maimed and crushed. In the end, you would either be disintegrated by eye-lasers or turned into a lovely planet. Eventually, you get to ruin whole cities and continents with a giant rolling ball. In Noby Noby Boy, you can eat cats. I totally ruined a small town by knocking the roof off someone's house and pushing the house over the edge. I fucked up a robot. I ate all the flowers. Surely this is criminal. But it's the kind of game you want to come home from work to sit down to and just relax with for an hour or so.

Do you have seven dollars? Do you have a PS3? Surely if you have a PS3, you have seven dollars. GREAT! Now go and buy Noby Noby Boy. I enjoy it very much.

[8/10]

Horrortalk #2 - Movies of 2008.

2008 was a pretty mediocre year for horror films. Off the top of my head, I can remember that we poor, overlooked Australians got the following:

[REC]: A pretty clean shot at a horror film, actually. Have the rest of my opinion here.

The Orphanage: Overrated, in my opinion. It was not even really a horror movie, more of a occasionally mildly creepy drama. Although remember when every reviewer said that it was like The Sixth Sense and The Others? They really, really were not joking.

I Am Legend: FRANK FRANK FRANK FRANK FRANK FRANK FRANK FRANK FRANK FRANK FRANK FRANK FRANK FRANK FRANK FRANK FRANK

Saw V: Ughhhhh. On a related note, I recall that when it came out, I overheard two guys in my management tutorial saying that the Saw films were the cleverest movies they had ever seen. I was not pleased.

One Missed Call: So... it's a serious remake of a film intended to be a satire. Um, ok. Speaking of remakes...

Shutter, The Eye, Mirrors: REMAKES

There were some other ones that made it over but I haven't seen as of yet. Namely The Happening (lol), The Strangers (which I hear was bad but the Singaporean promo posters were really excellent) and um, Zombie Strippers. Then we have the movies I've been waiting for for like, ages: The Poughkeepsie Tapes, The Midnight Meat Train and Tokyo Gore Police.

The Poughkeepsie Tapes
I realise that The Poughkeepsie Tapes were technically supposed to come out in 2007, but did it actually screen anywhere before last year? Anyway. I first found out about The Poughkeepsie Tapes from a certain paranormal imageboard. There was a video clip of a man in an odd mask crawling up behind a woman. It was odd. Research indicated it was footage from a documentary about a serial killer who terrorised the area of Poughkeepsie. I have to say it was impressive.
It's a movie that actually intends to disturb rather than shock you with cheap scares, which gets instant points from me. If it's traditional holy-shit-what-the-fuck-was-that horror you are going for, the aforementioned crawling scene is about as creepy as it's going to get. But no, the part that really got to me I did not predict at all. It's one of those subtle things that when you notice, really strike a chord in you. A horror movie has not done that to me in a long, long time. That alone gets it a 9.

I wish I could talk about what I didn't like about the movie, but doing so would give it away. Ignorance is bliss, after all, so I'm just going to give it a score and be on my way. [8]

The Midnight Meat Train
Settle down, kids. Quit snickering at the title.

MMT was originally a short story by Clive Barker, the fabulous (really) powerhouse of creativity responsible for, amongst others, The Hellbound Heart, its movie counterpart and the game, um, Jericho.

I like the story quite a bit, which is about a photographer who follows a serial killer roaming the subway at night, but gets more than he bargains for. I won't say more for I might give the story away.

I had really high hopes for this film. First of all, it is directed by Ryuhei Kitamura, aka the guy who directed Versus, aka the film that made me clap at the end. Secondly, it stars Vinnie Motherfucking Jones! So, y'know, fuck yes.

But I was disappointed. Maybe I was still on a high from watching Survive Style 5+ that week or Versus that month, but there was something about the film that made me think it could've been so much better. I understand that you have to change certain things when you are adapting a short story, but the way certain scenes were translated did not sit well with me. For example, the scene with Leon interacting with his girlfriend really irritated me rather than made me feel pity and sadness for them. Or maybe I wanted more Vinnie. The end didn't wrap up as well as I had hoped, either. This review isn't wrapping up as well as I had hoped either, but I have nothing more to say. [6.5]

Tokyo Gore Police
This is the movie I have stalked since the news first broke. If No More Heroes is that game that I would not shut up about, and it was, then this is the film that I would not shut up about. It actually screened last year at the Brisbane International Film Festival, so you can imagine that I was less than pleased when I found out I couldn't go. At the time, the movie had not been released on DVD, not to mention torrents only appeared literally at the end of the year. Oh well, it's here now.

Tokyo Gore Police has a storyline, but with a name like Tokyo Gore Police, who really cares? All you need to know is that there the main character is a sexy lady (played by Eihi Shiina, best known from Audition), amputees with swords where their limbs should be, a guy with cannons for eyes, an erotically grotesque snail-woman hybrid, a lady with an alligator for a vagina and a scene featuring quartering by car. It's a visually stunning film, each scene absolutely saturated in colour, whether it be red, blue, green or pink. It is also probably the most fantastically, over-the-top (in terms of gore) film I have ever seen. I will not lie and say that I never thought 'PHYSICS DOES NOT WORK THAT WAY', but when it's all so darkly humourous, the only thing to do is to laugh and wonder how much all that fake blood cost. I mean, it's a movie where a guy gets his penis bitten off and has it replaced with a large, fleshy, meter-long bazooka. And that's a neat concept.

It's like, if Shintaro Kago and Uziga Waita were to make a film together, this would be it. Every minute is well worth it, but only if you like your gore red hot. [9.5/10]

For me, as long as those films turned out to not be total disappointments, I would be happy. Which means I'm pretty fucking happy.

Review: Queer Village

Today is another very special review day! Because, y'know, the nice Datacom dudes haven't exactly given me much to do other than "HERE IS SOME DATA, FILTER IT OUT AND THROW IT INTO A SPREADSHEET" which takes like two hours anyway.

Anyway, today I review Queer Village, an indie freeware (is that term redundant yet?) game that I first played about a month or so back but forgot about. Out of the list of games I was considering writing a review for, this was the only one I could remember well enough. For reasons that will become apparent shortly.

Quick note: If I come across as being homophobic at all (although most readers know me well enough to realise that I am extremely supportive of gays and lesbians; besides, I pretty much posted a link to gay porn like, two entries ago), I'm just going to say: It's not hate if you enjoy it.

So you're probably thinking: "Queer Village, eh? That sounds like a game where you wake up in a town and you have to escape it but the only way to do so is to sleep with all the dwarves. Or strip poker or something." So it may disappoint (or relieve) you that there is very little actual homosexuality in it, other than the loading image, which is all rainbow-coloured and pretty, the village name and the bizarre ending which I will reveal later, assuming you are still reading.

The basic premise of Queer Village is as follows:

Your brother left the peaceful queer village and went to the forest in search of mehrehem. He is lost and you must find him.

That's taken directly from the game's intro. What the hell is 'mehrehem'? A quick search says that 'meh' means 'more' in German. 'Rehem', I have no idea, but apparently it's a legit word. Maybe it means to 'hem again'? 'More hem again'. Yeah, whatever. Anyway, the game takes off. You control your persona, who is a glowing ball, with your mouse. No clicking, nothing required. Oh, one more thing that is possible homosexual is the background. It's a nice background. I would put it on my walls, but it doesn't exactly scream 'manly'. And those arrows. Follow dem arrows.

Even as you follow the arrows you'll think thoughts like 'Oh god, what am I supposed to be doing? What is with this music? Do I have to go around those blocks?' Turns out you can actually pass straight through the boxes. Convenience? Some kind of metaphor? At first I thought Queer Village was like, one of those steady hand games. Except when you touch the edges you get mauled by wolves and you never find your brother.

Anyway, you eventually come across this creepy looking guy who offers you mehrehem. How nice of you to offer to rehem my clothes more! As you can see by what he says, I actually have found my brother at this point. Ok, why wasn't I informed? Technically shouldn't I be able to just go on home to Queer Village? But no sir, because once you talk to Creepy Guy, he follows you around. You can't go back to Queer Village either because apparently it's not on the map. Ok. That's cause for concern, I'd say.

So two minutes later when you've stopped screaming at Creepy Guy to hurry the fuck up and helped him when he gets stuck around corners by shifting your mouse slightly, the game ends, and not in a nice 'You brought the man home successfully and made it back to your village' way.

Thanks for letting me know.

I swear I am not making this shit up. I should've seen it coming from a mile away, but I suppose I expected it to happen after an hour of guiding Creepy Guy around the most dangerous of blocks and fighting wild animals with nothing but my bare hands because I'm that much of a manly man. I also have to say that this ending freaked me out somewhat because that is what happens when you combine a late night, coffee, drone, Creepy Guy and then suddenly 'YOU AND YOUR BROTHER WERE RAPED AND KILLED'.

So what's the deal with this game? Pretentious Indie Gamer has some pretty deep musings on it. Me, I'm not too sure. I'm trying not to think too hard about it because, like, I'll do it tomorrow or something. I mean, on one hand I love it for being a pretentious indie mindfuck game that - dare I say it? - jumps into the box labelled 'GAMES THAT ARE ART OR IF CALLING GAMES ART IS NOT YOUR THING ARE AT LEAST DEEPER THAN HALF-LIFE OR GEARS OF WAR' but on the other hand I am puzzled and wonder what the hell the creator was trying to prove. Maybe I'll just steal Pretentious Indie Gamer's opinion.

If you do want to play Queer Village, knock yourself out and tell me what you think.

Review: Zombie vs. Ambulance

Zombie vs. Ambulance: The only chilling thing about this game is possibly the loading screen.

Title: Zombie vs. Ambulance (aka: Zombie Virus)
Developer: Vingt-et-un Systems
Publisher: D3 Publisher (JP), Essential Games (EU)
Year: 2006 (JP/EU)

Oh, Japan. You’re the zaniest country a lover of the bizarre like me could ever hope for. Sometimes I love you. Sometimes I just want to strangle you. Sometimes I want to have sex with you WHILE strangling you. This is exactly how I feel in the case with Zombie vs. Ambulance.

In Zombie vs. Ambulance (or Zombie Virus, if, like me, you got the PAL version), you’re a medical student who has survived a zombie apocalypse. Somehow. Realising that there could be survivors out there, you hop into an ambulance and rescue them. While running zombies over in large groups. With a female cheerleader voice urging you on. It’s one of those games that make you either go ‘That is the stupidest fucking thing I have ever heard of’ or ‘My god, that is pure genius’.

I’m not going to say what my opinion is because quite frankly, I don’t know. Ok, you know what? I’m going to give this two scores. One of these scores starts with a ‘T’ and ends in a ‘En out of ten because this is a fucking cool concept’ and the other starts with a ‘T’ and ends in a ‘Wo out of ten because GODDAMN EVERYTHING ELSE IS SO TERRIBLE’.

So, let’s get on with the review. As I have made clear, you drive an ambulance around in order to:
A) Run zombies over; and
B) Rescue people.

This is where it starts getting complex. All at the same time there are like several things you need to keep an eye on.

One is the ‘Morale Gauge’ – an indication of how your survivors are doing back at the hospital. This slowly drops over time. When I say slowly, I actually mean RIDICULOUSLY QUICKLY. Well, I’m sitting here now thinking that maybe, ok, in an actual zombie apocalypse type of situation, people would lose out pretty fast, go insane and all that jazz. So what, this game’s being realistic about a zombie apocalypse situation? I guess now’s a good time to insert a disclaimer.

DISCLAIMER: I’m not saying that a zombie apocalypse MOST DEFINITELY IS NOT POSSIBLE. I’m just saying that chances are slim.

Did I mention that when the Morale Gauge runs out, it’s game over? Yeah, you’ll be seeing a lot of those in this game. The thing I don’t actually get about the Morale Gauge is that it’s present in the very first mission, when you haven’t actually rescued any survivors. Well, ok, there’s your sexy friend and a couple of other sexy women, but they don’t do shit – they just stand there and look sexy. And report your statistics to you. And save your game.

There’s the ‘Survivor Icon’, which are little outlines of people on the lower left-hand corner of the screen. Of course, the number of survivors you have with you is relative to how many of these icons you have. These slowly fill up over time because guess what? They gradually turn into zombies! In your ambulance. When this happens, the only way to get rid of them now is to crash into a wall at fucking high speeds, otherwise they damage… you? Your ambulance? Anyway, let them stick around for too long and you die. Game over.

The only way to prevent survivors from turning into zombies is by getting them back to the hospital, pronto. (Oddly enough, even though all your survivors back at the hospital are fighting off the zombie hordes, there’s always someone on hand to make these people all better. I learnt in movies that you can never undo zombification! Well, maybe those sexy friends of yours has something to do with it.)

Match all this up with the fact that the controls, well, suck, and holy shit is this game frustrating. Not difficult, mind you – I’m sure if I invest more than half an hour I’d be able to get a fair way into the game – just very, very frustrating. Shaking zombies off (the zombies who are already roaming around and attack you so fucking aggressively when you slow down for like one second) by twiddling the left and right analogue sticks is just plain awkward, especially while racing around corners at high speeds without crashing while looking at the map, trying to get back to the hospital, all while trying to run over as many zombies as possible so that you can keep your kill combo up, so that you can keep hospital morale up, so that you don’t get a game over, but HAVING to crash into walls at high speeds in order to get your zombified survivors out of the ambulance so that they don’t damage your vehicle so you don’t get a game over.

You see how long that sentence was? Trying to process my run-on sentence is exactly what the gameplay in Zombie vs. Ambulance is like.

So despite everything bad I’ve said about this game, there are probably some people shouting ‘But it’s a game about running zombies over! In an ambulance! How else should I spend my hard-earned thirty bucks?’ Congratulations, feel free to run out and buy it. Don’t say I didn’t tell you it had fucking terrible gameplay.

Honestly though, much like seeing The Clone Wars in the cinema for $5, I’m happy I have this game on my shelf. It’s one of those games that’s so bad, it’s good and has the coolest (yet the worst) concept ever. So to repeat what I said earlier:

[10/10] – OH MY GOD I’M RUNNING OVER FUCKING ZOMBIES.
[2/10] – It’s like I suddenly can’t drive all over again.

These are not the droids I was looking for

Watched Clone Wars today, because I am a Star Wars faggot. Before I checked it out, I read a bunch of reviews. I must've read something like five. Only one of them was positive. But I was positive and said to myself 'WHO CARES, I WILL JUDGE FOR MYSELF. ALSO, IT IS STAR WARS.' Turns out those negative reviews were right in being negative.

The basic premise of Clone Wars is that Jabba the Hutt's son (!) is MIA and that Anakin, along with some new Jedi apprentice chick named Ahsoka (!!) have to go save him. If not, the Republic pretty much lose the war because Jabba the Hutt closes off some trade routes. Seriously.

So, pluses and minuses.

PLUS:
- Clones. I love Jango Fett. I love Boba Fett. I. LOVE. CLONES.
- DEE MOTHERFUCKING BRADLEY BAKER voices many, if not all, the clones.
- SAM L. JACKSON! ANTHONY DANIELS! CHRISTOPHER LEE!
- Holy crap, is that KIT FISTO in the intro? AND HE TAKES UP MORE THAN A HUNDREDTH OF THE SCREEN? - It's, um, Star Wars?

MINUSES:
- It plays out like incredibly bad fanfiction. No wait, it IS fanfiction.
- Ahsoka is such a Mary Sue. I expected her and Anakin to lean in and kiss at any minute, despite the Padme factor. She kind of got away with more than anyone other apprentice would have been able to. Also, her personality was so annoying that she made Anakin look cool in comparison. I hate Anakin.
- Everyone is so out of character that it's stupid. Anakin's no longer the hot-headed, supposedly badass guy you once knew in Episodes 2 and 3. Suddenly, he is wise and not reckless. Then Obi-Wan, who I thought would be ok at first, but turned out to be sarcastic and wise-cracking (not to mention kind of sleazy). Then Dooku, who really just seemed more petty than strategic. TL;DR - EVERYONE IS OOC EXCEPT FOR C3PO AND R2-D2.
- Actually, I don't know if this is more a minus than a plus. But whatever, it goes here. A single line from Anakin contains more character than he ever had in the Prequel Trilogy. That is how bad Anakin is.
- The score, oh god. The score was by some dude named Kevin Kiner, who, instead of the orchestral music you traditionally hear in the films, threw in a whole bunch of tribal tunes. It really did not work. John Williams would be turning in his non-existent grave. Or spinning around in his house.
- A minor sort of gripe, but did everyone's eyes have to be so fucking big?

In short, while I don't exactly regret spending $5 to see this film on a 25m screen (remember though, Star Wars faggot), it was not a good movie. You should not see this movie. Unless you really like Star Wars. And then you can just rage at how it has fucked up the continuity.

[2/10 (one point for Clones and Kit, one point for... some voice talents.)]

We are finally reviewers

So I owed the good Topdrunkee of the K7 SINdicate a No More Heroes review. So here it is. Alternatively, here's the short version:

'No More Heroes is a game by Suda51. It is not as pretentious as Killer7 (EVEN THOUGH I LIKE PRETENTIOUS, BUT NOT TOO PRETENTIOUS) and also does not have as much of a storyline. You are an otaku assassin. You eventually reach number one but not before being cruelly disappointed. Namely because of the shitty graphics.'

... Well, not quite. The actual review was kinder. EIGHT LAUGHING SUDA FACES OUT OF TEN.

Horror Talk.

Shutter, that horror film that deals with ghosts and whatnot, hit the cinemas a couple of weeks ago. It's another one of those Western remakes of an Asian horror film, because for some reason it is always decided that the Western audience ABSOLUTELY HAVE TO SEE THIS FILM! But in English. With white people in it. Anyway, the original Shutter was a Thai film, which pretty much proves that they (whoever 'they' may be) have broadened the term 'popular Asian horror film' to actually include movies outside of Japan.

Thank god? Well, not really. The original Shutter was about a photographer, who, after his girlfriend hit-and-runs, is haunted by the victim of the accident (who was actually his ex-girlfriend). Ghosts in photographs, vengeful spirits, etc. So given how closely most remakes follow the original film, you'd think it would be about the same thing, right? It is, sort of. Except for some reason, they decided to set the film in Japan and use the standard (or what has come to be the expectation of Japanese horror) ghost-girl-with-long-hair.

I'll be fair, I haven't seen the remake. I did see the original, which was disappointing especially since so many people told me it was one of the most frightening movies they had ever seen. But if I go to see a remake, haven't seen the original, was told it was a Thai film but get presented with Japanese horror archetypes, I'm going to have to recheck those facts. It's more than a little misleading. Incidentally, the Shutter remake was directed by Masayuki Ochiai, who is obviously Japanese.

I dislike remakes. I'm unkind about them in the sense that I don't see them as the movie industry trying to showcase the kinds of movies that other countries can put out. I see them more as 'You don't have your own ideas, so you're going to take the idea from a film from another country because only a few people in the Western realm would have heard about it'.

Take The Departed, for example. Very few people I've spoken to who have seen that film knew that it was actually a remake of Infernal Affairs, which, in my honest opinion, was far better. Infernal Affairs didn't rely on sex and swearing (and that much violence) as The Departed did so often. It's possibly one of the things that I will never be able to shut up about.

Anyway, saw [REC] at the Spanish Film Festival with Jordaan yesterday. The whole thing reminded me of a certain videogame, but I thought it was very well done. It certainly wasn't as corny as I thought it would be (and it gets a prize for making me go 'OH FUCK' at one point without using a jump scare!), but the ending wasn't as frightening as I was led to believe. It was well-filmed (haw haw) and well-acted too. But I guess it made me laugh a little too much, especially during the parts that were meant to be scary. [REC], I give you 8.5/10.

Cloverfield (Possible spoilers)

Saw Cloverfield today, the movie in which a giant monster attacks New York City. No, unfortunately it's not Cthulhu.

It was pretty good; the way it was filmed was very effective considering the movie's setting and storyline. However, anyone who didn't follow the promotional websites for the movie will probably be scratching their heads and wondering where in the hell the monster actually came from. I spotted a single visual clue, but as I said before, if you didn't follow the viral marketing sites, you would probably disregard it. I thought this was both:
A) Quite clever; and
B) Quite stupid.
Polar opposite opinions, I know. On one hand, it, well, rewards those who did their homework before hand with... with... the feeling that they maybe probably perhaps knew where the monster came from. I have a basic theory, but it doesn't make sense if I try to explain it.
However, on the other hand, it gives the viewer a sense of mystery and/or panic: "OH SHIT WHERE DID THAT MONSTER COME FROM IT COULD HAPPEN TO US IN REAL LIFE ANY WHERE ANY TIME". Some of the dialogue adds to this sense of uneasiness, with one character making a point about the fact that humans have barely begun to explore the depths of the ocean.

Also, whoever said that you never really saw the monster, just glimpses of it, was probably telling a half-truth. SPOILERS, SORTA - In my opinion, it looked like a combination of these three dudes.

Yeah, I'm not kidding. I found it a bit hard to be intimidated. Gwoemul's monster was much more awesome. Aesthetically, anyway. I mean becuase, really, if you were to put Gwoemul's monster up against Cloverfield, there wouldn't be a contest.

All my gripes aside, it was a rather enjoyable movie. Just make sure you're not surrounded by teenage couples making out like I was.

[7.5/10]

Oh look!

Looks like my Michigan review was finally posted on the K7 SINdicate.

So maybe very few of you have heard of it. Maybe you'd like to come over to my place sometime and sample its bad-ness. But you could always just read the review and it would put you off it. Maybe.

Michigan: Report from Hell

Also, OPs. It sucked balls. Which I thought was kind of strange considering my marks were better-than-average this year. Fuck you, QSA. Fuck you. Did any of you dudes get OPs you were not expecting? If so, I guess we can blame the grade.

A rather long look at the bestselling novel that is now a major motion picture!

The following entry is really actually quite lengthy. Just sayin'.

I have these fundamentalist Christian relatives. They're not bad people. Actually, they're quite ok. Well, my male cousin and my uncle are. The aunt and the female cousin are too uptight for my liking. And I mean, they DID make us watch a documentary on how the United Nations was a Satanic affair, but hey. I'm sure it was just because there was nothing else on TV.

Being the only of my dad's brothers who permanently resides in Brisbane (a mere three minutes away!) my uncle's family are REQUIRED to buy me birthday presents each year. Not really. I'm sure they'll stop next year when I can surely afford my own religious books that I don't need. Yes, they buy me religious books each year for my birthday. Last year for Christmas, they did buy me a book of Singapore ghost stories, which I thought was hardcore for them. Yes, this gives you an idea of what they usually get me...

Last year or the year before, they bought me a novel called Left Behind, the first in a series of books about the apocalypse. The Christian apocalypse. It's under 'inspirational fiction' in Borders. Apparently it's a real hit, hit enough to spawn 15 other books, an album, a PC game, graphic novels, four movies and a decent amount of spin-offs. Note that I used very neutral terms. Anyway, I decided, yeah, the Apocalypse is a pretty neat concept. So I sat down and read it for its entertainment value. Let's just say that after five chapters I became so mind-numbingly bored that I had to stop reading. The book's somewhere in the storage room. I was also given the movie on old-school VHS. Needless to say, that, too, is somewhere in my household where no one cares to look. I'm not saying I'm ungrateful. It's just that, well... let's just say that the words 'don't judge a book by its cover' really applies here. And I could just as easily have buried it under a mound of stuff when I realised it was a religious book.

Anyway, back to the real point of this entry, which is to share with you the book I was given for my birthday this year, titled One Night with the King.

Read that title again. Maybe it was just my horrible, tainted mind that clouded my innocence when I ripped open the packaging, but I thought... you know. It sounded like a bad porno film. But I supposed I'm not alone - my dad agreed with me.

But it is a religious book. What could a book with a name like have to do with religion? Well, anyone who attended Sunday School and/or a Christian school (or is just plain smart) is likely to have heard of Queen Esther, the lady who became the King of Persia's main squeeze and saved a bunch of Jews. This book is basically a dramatisation of the biblical tale. When I say dramatisation, I actually mean sappy, romantic reworking. It was also turned into a movie, which apparently sucks balls. Thanks to the former school captain (who knows her biblical stuff), the whole tale of King Xerxes and Queen Esther was that they didn't fall in love. I guess those romance novelists are willing to try anything to rake in the bucks.

Entertainment-wise, it's not as bad as Left Behind. I did manage to get up to chapter fourty (they're relatively short chapters too) before deciding that the sheer hilarity was not enough to keep me going any more. Although I do wonder why I waded through 323 pages. There were some amusing parts (although I'm about 99.9999% sure that the humour was NOT intentional) which I present to you here in a less-than-concise collection of laughable quotes from One Night with the King. Yeah, you can stop giggling about the name now.

Page 40, Chapter 3:

When he awoke, the tent stood dark but for a few candles his servants had lit in the corners. He rolled upright and fought to regain his clarity. And then he was reminded of his impulsive threat to Agog:

I have some raping to do.

No comment needed.

Pages 97 and 98, Chapter 11:

Realising that God was real, palpably so, actually filled me with a fresh resentment that I could barely contain within my reserved demeanour. Somehow, dealing with my anger toward Him was easier when He had simply been a relic of tradition, a remote institution of my ethnic heritage. Knowing that He was real and approachable, and that I could personally experience those realities, made Him the perfect arm's-length target for my rage.

Oh, so you wanna do the barroom tango with God, eh, Esther? Boy, I wonder who would win. I honestly do.

Page 164, Chapter 20

Rough hands groped at places no one had ever touched before.

That is the absolute weakest way I have ever seen molestation described.

Page 202, Chapter 25

As for matters of the bedroom, Hegai knew far less, yet more than anyone else. Xerxes was an adventurous lover, I was told - assuming he truly fancied the girl. He had spent his youth with captures beauties from Alexandria, Damascus and Cush and had found that a woman in fear for her life made for a vivacious and compliant partner.

Oh... oh my. I can imagine my fundamental Christian aunt reading this and saying "Oh my goodness! This kind of filth should not be allowed on our shelves!" Seriously though, I haven't seen her since she gave me the book, but expect details of a confrontation during the Christmas season when I see her next. GATHER YOUR WHORES FROM ALEXANDRIA, DAMASCUS AND CUSH! WE'RE GONNA BOOGIE LATE TONIGHT!

Page 218, Chapter 27

"What's the matter?" I finally asked.
"What do you mean, my lady?" asked Shakel, the handmaiden nearest me at the time.
"Everyone is acting strangely. Is it my request for quiet? Did I offend you?"
Shakel looked over at the others, then turned to me with a faint smile. "It's not that. It's just that you look so beautiful. You truly are the loveliest woman in the whole Palace. Truly. I imagine we are all asking ourselves the same question. How could Xerxes see you and not fall in love on sight?"

Well gag me with a spoon. Turns out Esther is a Mary-Sue. A pretty hardcore one too.

If that wasn't enough, we now have a fuckload (first and last swear word, promise, unless you want to count the phrase 'sucks balls') of typical romance-novel dialogue and description. Not that I ever read them, of course, heh heh. The romance-fest goes on for, oh, I dunno, five plus chapters? But the ultimate part of the book, its climax (no pun intended) is in these next two paragraphs.

More than ever before, the world consisted of me and the King. The closer we came to the bedchamber, the smaller the world became - until it had shrunk down to little more than the space between our lips. The moment our litter nudged the landing of the Palace entrance, the King was on his feet. He turned to me and swept me up into his arms. Xerxes nearly sprinted through the short hallway into his bedchamber, calling good-humoured condemnations of death along the way to any functionary who dared intrude.
I was still held closely in his arms when we entered the room. He used his back to push the giant door shut. Then, as soon as the great clang of its closing stopped echoing, he looked at me with deep longing and, yes, love. His next kiss was both intimate and powerful. I was shaken to the core of my being. Next, he laid me on the bed, and I can tell you no more.

What have we learnt from this escapade?
1. You should never turn biblical stories into works of romantic fiction
2. You should never turn biblical stories into works of romantic fiction and turn them into movies
3. My fundamentalist relatives should really just give me cash from now on
4. I have far too much time on my hands.