Friday, 12 June 2009

Future ambitions

This is the part where I get really ambitious and perhaps even ahead of myself and think about the time in the future when I become an accomplished videogame designer.

It's a ballsy project, because we all know how hard it is to make a balanced and decent 2D fighter. But I go ahead with anyway, even though I know I will never be able to be good at my own game.

Maybe we decide to throw in all the archetypes - broody Japanese 'main character', MC's rival+fuckbuddy, cute chinese girl, deadly assassin woman, huge muscled guy, robot, animal, sexy skank (or is that all of them? oh, never mind) - and design the stages, which are nice enough, but once again, pretty samey. Nothing you wouldn't expect to miss in a fighting game. Oh, but I want a stage on a crowded subway. That's when I say: "Hey team, I have an idea."

In Japan, subways are hugely crowded, so it's no wonder that groping is an extremely common crime. So I propose: "When a female character is chosen (or hell, even that one really pretty guy, because we're working with archetypes), an event triggers once per female character per battle. Said event involves the female/pretty boy character being stunned for a few seconds due to being groped, leaving her/him, uh, vulnerable to attack by the other player. Unless she/he is stunned as well." Despite the fact that we're not Japanese (and we are hopefully not flaming Japanophiles) we'll throw that in for shits and giggles.

But then there's more: we'll throw in a fat, unattractive female character. She does not get groped at all but instead causes part of the crowd on the subway to run away. This temporarily stuns her as well.

Some media outlet gets a hold of those particular details of our game. We get in trouble, one for portraying women as objects, and two for insulting and degrading fat people (see also Fat Princess). I release a press statement that is rather rude and derogatory.

From then on, I become known as the douchebag of the industry. My game sells millions.

If one of you fancy game designers out there is reading this and decides to use my whole 'subway groping' idea, I can see you.


Hal said...

I can't wait for Itagaki-like interviews. That man is a goldmine for shittalk.

Brendan said...

I'm incorporating that idea into my new title: Gropetastica: Wings of a Fallen Pervert.